It's Okay to Catch your Breath

You don't always have to be superwoman

M.A. Hayes self portrait circa 2019

So...over the past couple of months a lot of has happened. First, we all know I have a new job, which is amazing! I love my job, and I love what I do. Between helping produce podcasts, constant photoshoots, and graphic design clients along with working a full time job, and being in grad school-yes I said grad school, I had to prioritize what I was willing to spend my time doing. Everything I was doing led to burnout.

For a time I stopped filming, doing photography, doing art, and anything outside of work. Once I did this I realized two things: one, I was burntout and was in denial about it, and two, I didn't want to go back to being busy like I was before. There was little benefit to being constantly busy. Sure, I got to hone in on my skills and made extra money, but at what cost. I gained extra weight from stress, I took on projects that I knew I shouldn't have but did so so I could feel productive, I lost all motivation to do any art, and I lost the reason as to why I was an artist in the first place. Major imposter syndrome and regret began to set it. One thing I can't stand is regret. I regretted not spending time doing and producing art that I could actually stand by and love. I regretted not giving myself time to heal and relax. I regretted doing work that was I knew was mediocre and could be better.

I did what I do best, which is plan. Planning always got me out of a funk, and helped me to center my thoughts and motivations. The biggest thing that I realized is that my priorities were off. Before I planned I asked myself a barrage of questions. Did I enjoy photoshoots? Sure, sometimes, but not every weekend. Did I enjoy doing design work after work? Yes, actually. I didn't and I don't mind that, it's a second job for me so of course. Was I okay with no longer having a free weekend? No absolutely not. Was I okay with traveling throughout the week day for paint parties, and getting home late? No- even though it was one of my favorite things that I did-because my sleep was suffering. Was I okay doing free work for family and friends even though it caused me stress? Not anymore. This was the biggest problem I had to come to terms with. Though I loved doing work for them, I tended to place them above paying customers, and that in the long run had hurt me. So I decided so temporarily shut down Morgo Art.

I took two weeks to make my plan for the next year. I had 2 grad school programs to take into account now. In fact, I have 2 degrees (fingers crossed) that I will working on so school and portfolio building will be taking up the majority of my time. Morgo Art will be reopening, but will only serve select customers so I won't be overwhelmed with work, and so that I will take on projects that I actually enjoy doing. I'll keep doing a great job at my 9 to 5pm, and make time to relax throughout the week day so that I won't have to feel like I have to wait until the weekend to chill. I'll stay dedicated and disciplined to my graduate studies as well as my business ventures. This is just a breif summary of what I am aiming for, and I've started already with a more detailed plan.

I also made a plan for self-care which to my surprise involved art. I've never used art as a way of therapy, but as of late it has helped me tremendously. Reflecting and speaking about what I gone through so far during year with friends and family has made me realize about myself, both good and bad. But ultimately I do feel as though I am becoming more self-aware, and becoming the woman that I know that I can be proud of. That being said, I am still a work in progress. People don't change over night. But everyday I get a little bit better.